Sunday, February 7, 2010

and see from tampa bay to juno.

the heat went out at our house..
the landlord brought over a ton of space heaters... and so it's livable for now.

i should be asleep right now.
I'm actually feeling sleepy as i type this.. seeing as i get up in four hours.
I most likely should act on this feeling of sleepy-ness.

I found my old church has a website full of sermons.
Mars Hill church.


I also found out that I really hate taking adderal.
I also found out I love the song Love lost by temper trap.

im also doing horrible in french.

awesome in math. (thanks frank kluken.!)

I'm also realizing that I get to visit alaska soon. and I need to do a lot of work before that happens.

This was pointless. i realize.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Problems never just disappear.

Being a human can be so frustrating.. sometimes your body won't do the things you want it to do... sometimes your mind won't remember/think the way you want it to.
and sometimes your heart won't feel the way you want it to. (pray comes in

on the flip side being a human can be so wonderful. We get to experience such wonderful emotions, experiences and such.

i've been training, and i've been mad at my body because I want to run farther, faster hard. I guess that's every runners dream. it's my legs either, its normally my lungs that start to throw a fit.
Running is also a good emotional exercise for me, it helps me clean my head and look at things with a fresh take. Lately, I've been having a really hard time breathing so i've been running less.. I know the doctor says its because of the weather changes and the extreme cold is causing the little tubes to be extra pissy.

i go to a bible study on monday nights,
it's called g42. i'm not sure why.. I should ask Ben
but we do a homeless outreach and cook dinner, have a bible study and then invite the homeless in.
There is a warming house in town, and we all work shifts ( between 10 pm and 7 am)
and try to connect with the homeless and hopefully bring them to God.
It's a pretty humbling/frustrating experience at time.
Ben is pretty amazing, I don't have his kind of tolerance.... he deals with the angry drunks, when I just walk away with my tail between my legs. I'm praying for tolerance and a general guided tour of what God wants me to do with my remaining time here.
God is teaching me something, what I'm not sure right now.. but everytime i'm about to give up he provides. I know i was here for a specific reason, I'm just not sure what i've accomplished in my time besides a degree and getting to know Lacan..

I was not kidding when I said this was going to be the best year....

I really need to do some research for tomorrow and my group of kids.
i'll be posting there art work from my theraputic art group!!! which I finally have a partner! I'm so excited.

more later.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Medical Missions, Music and good beer.

Today I went to the doctor..and found out that she is a christian and we talked about God and... man it felt good to connect with her.
I have always loved her, but we talked about how our campus is so extremely anti-God and how it's been really hard to "come out" of the closet at time but that this year was my year to shine his light.
We talked about my church and how she things it looks really rad..(which it is.!)

Basically It's been on my heart that I know someday I need to have my own medical missions (with others) to offer free psychological help, but team up with doctors and have a small clinic. i haven't decided if i was it to be only america.. I guess God will tell me that in due time..

Last night.. I found out about Cochella and the amazing line up.
and how my friend's band is playing and pretty darn sure getting some passes!!! for me and (possibly) three amazing friends.
Jamie and Black are down!
Yesterday was such an odd day, I had all of the phone interviews and my phone is now messed up... I had work (Which was amazing!!!) I got this amazingly heartfelt personal i cantbeleve she remembered I collected old keys... christmas gift from blybee (before she left to russia! :(..)
all the while the insane political race is going on and people are yelling and freaking out about Brown being ahead..
I find out about cohella during a committee meeting (which is going horrible and its mostly judicial..) because apparently due to the fact that we didn't approve funding (which we did..) ahh never mind its long and stupid.
and in that moment I just needed to get out of the room and dance for joy!

Which I did later and had a beer, sat down and told them the great news.

I barely slept last night, my blood was pumping,I was praying and getting excited about all sorts of things from the concert to school to moving...
I still have no idea what state and it very well might come down to money...

But this summer i won't know the answers until jan. (since i'm transferring at a weird time!)
I'll be skimming around the west coast and alaska.

now that excites me.

okay I'm not dressed and neeed to leave the house in 9...8..7....6...

Monday, January 18, 2010

I've had just about enough of quote diamonds in the rough..

I have not produced a paper in what feels like ages......
This is me taking a break from paper writing to write in my blog.

i missed staying up late, playing with my hair and seriously debating professors intellect based on how much they make write.. haha.

Life costs so much money, today I just HAD to renew my APA membership... because well since i'm submitting some papers to them to get reviewed it looks good if you are still a member.. which in 2 days I won't be.
My editor is pulling her hair out, saying that I won't be able to find someone like her in California, Washington or even O.R.... so we agreed she'd fix my papers from afar..
If you can't tell from my blogs, my dyzzzzlexia isn't going away like planned.
Having an editor who gets where I'm going and for a low cost... helps.
On another note, I'm going to be babysitting twice a week which always helps the income, my boss is expecting! yippy! and can't be as active with her little one.. so I will.

Okay, so I'll admit that I hated owl city and told everyone that I hated them.... well..
I figured out why I actually like them now.
besides it's lovey oozy goozy goodness BUT (yes this is the first time i've admitted to the public that i'm a sucker for romance... oh man.. esp. if he can playyyyy an acoustic guitar ..")
he talks about feeling at home... California, the west coast in general... and airplanes!
of course I'd love him.. (because these are things I love/like/places I want to be)

Time together isn't ever quite enough
When you and I are alone, I’ve never felt so at home
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
We need time, only time
When we're apart, whatever are you thinking of?
If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?
So tell me darling, do you wish we'd fall in love?
All the time, all the time
(How can you not love those lyrics?)
I also feel like i'm 15 when listening to Owl City.. and so I kinda have a limit of it, but I could also talk about this for ages....

I've also came to the conclusion to not date between the time of me leaving here and going to....california/washington/o.r.
or rather go on a date. IT SEEMS THE MINUTE I MADE THIS CHOICE THAT SUDDENLY PEOPLE COME KNOCKING ON MY DOOR.. not physically... but text-messagely. i've attributed this all to the new year and people believing that they need to tell someone their "true" feelings.(which I've always been a fan of.. and have made an ass of myself...even in the new year... i'm working on keeping my mouth shut..) . or whatever.
I was asked. and I realized there is no reason for me to get connected to a person that i'm leaving and besides that... I need to become more picky :)

After dating a good handful of people I've come to the realization of what I'm looking for and not looking for.
i'm feeling like getting back to work.. and the next blog will be all about dating since I read that amazing chapter... mostly because I started to think about how next week this needs to be ready to be submitted...

the topic;
Do children who suffer childhood sexual trauma have a higher occurrence of sexual promiscuity ? oh and yeah.. i defined promiscuity... which is harder then it seems.
and also I'm including sub-chapters concerning the effects of male vs. female sexual abusers.

and ithink I'm rooting for PEPPERDINEEEEEEEE!
Seattle pacific and....... California Luth.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

church, snow...and God is funny.

God really has some sort of sense of humor or just timing sometimes is too perfect.

I'm half awake half asleep
watching the snow fall on my car.
I cleaned out more things from my room.. found an old prayer that I wrote down.
very old.. I think I wrote it in Katie Alessi's bed one night after talking about love for 10 hours..
It was my letter to God about a Husband, what I wanted what i needed and what would be awesome if he could add it on..
that list hasn't changed.
He needs to be kind, loving, quite but talkative.. nerdish.. dependable, intellectual ect ect. I won't list them all.
MOST importantly Love God, Kids and dogs.

I figured I'd have more to add and I thought about it... it's still the same list.

I love watching snow fall it's so peaceful and reminds me of God.
the feeling of each flake gently touching (or not so gently in alaska.) my skin like little reminders of how awesome and amazing God is.
Today in church the quite guy was giving his first sermon. he stuttered and stumbled but his message was loud and clear to me.. I am the Child of God, I need to take on his yoke. something which I struggle with...the word Yoke... and here this scared guy, finally breaking it down in the clearest form I could imagine.
Yoke...Ox... it all started to fall into place.. After church I thanked him and introduced myself. Left, and wanted more...
Today I cleaned more, filled out papers, read the Blue like jazz and.... in his chapter about romance and dating, which I will quote later... he talks about my college I'm currently at.. and I couldn't stop laughing. i'll dive into this when I'm awake..

God has really shown me his humor today...


Did I mention for valentines day I'm going on a women's retreat? Who knew I'd spend the most romantic day with the best date of all?
God... I feel like i'm falling back in love with God all over again!

Ps. I think I'm going to join up with a group of new found friends in their home church! I think that would be a good transitional.. WAIT WAIT WAIT
YIPPY! skippy!

Did I mention my Advisor thinks I'm making a great move?
also.. i'm so so so tired in this moment..... but I've found my psychoanalytic soul mate!
we talked for hooourrs about Lacan...
This week is going to be a good week. I can feel it.

I listened to Mae today.. does anyone remember them?
I just wanna wake up in someone else's arms used to be one of my favorites... anyways. GOODNIGHT.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

so everyone knows how much I love working at the center...

So pretty soon I won't be working with my favorite little people anymore.
So I'm posting these pictures, even though i have a few on my phone. I will be volunteering here for the rest of the semester twice/once a week.. but it wont be the same as the internship/working.

Anyways, i just wanted to share my three fav. days.

Playing doctor with M. and alice.
alice and her award winning smile.. I honestly think she is an angel in training and I hope when I have a child that mine would be half as amazing.
and me s. and shayna, my little explorers.

Anyways, I should get back to work, my break is almost over.
I had something amazing to share with you guys, but of course I forgot.
It was something along the lines of... God works in funny ways.


Tuesday, January 12, 2010

So I'm sitting in the office..

Today has been all chaos and running around and..and..and.
the morning was so peaceful, I sat in the empty living room on the rug and read more of Blue Like Jazz, I actually even re-read a few paragraphs because what he was saying was so profound and correct.
Side note of how chaotic today has been.. while typing this in the office, I looked over at the setting sun and was thinking " how beautiful.. how peaceful..." oh shit that's my car getting a ticket! I came to the post office (the discount one.. you know the one only open until 4pm? mass. residents know what i'm talking about..) right after work because I needed to grab a package full of Medication, books (I'm starting on the Sacred Romance with Jamie mom sent me " Discover your spiritual gifts.. we shall see) and more importantly some documents needed in order to transfer to the west coast.
So I illegally parked subee, RAN into the post office and then wondered over to the office... spacing that subee was parked next to the recycling center... which my car was full of cardboard boxes which needed to be used/recycled... and thankfully the officer was a recycling softie.
so no ticket.


Today I got a letter from the clinic in which I'm currently working in, which was odd, but it was this long letter saying how they wanted me to stay but if I didn't included was a reference letter..... It's so tempting to do the easy thing sometimes. To stay in the house I already live in, to not change address... but that feeling that I'm not at home I feel is just going to eat away at me.
I walk into my house doors and even though those are my books on the shelf, those are my pictures on the wall, and my kaladi brothers mug that lays dirtily in the sink..
this isn't my home.

I drive down long streets sometimes and just pray... until I come to the end and I start again, reviewing the conversation that God and I just shared.
I often find myself working over and over situations in my head which should have gone another way.. this way or that way.. why didn't I say this? It's like I try to reach into the past and whisper slightly in my ear " say...."
impossible mind you, but somehow it's comforting.
Like next time i'm in that exact situation I can do that differently. haha It's almost like I'm a coach watching old games and seeing where my team went wrong.

I also seem to pray about repression, to repress this desire or to bring up this desire or blah blah blah.
I think I need to direct my desires... instead of repressing some but rather make em work!

I'm a very visual person, despite being dyslexic, I need to see and hear something in order to fully comprehend it. I love diagrams and analogies (LOVE them!) but I also love to day-dream..its awful.. While on a long drive I sat in silence and just thought about something I wanted to happen and fully went with the story, the person next to me actually said " hello...cierra...are you dreaming?"

and boom. I was back. I also am a vivid actual dreamer, I write them all down, bring them to class... peer into my unconscious. The more into Lacan I am the more I'm scared...I know all of this extremely deep and person things about myself that make sense but also I wouldn't want anyone to know.
call me funny, some of the things I'm afraid to tell whom-ever I was dating.. like they would be scared away by my unconscious processes. We'll I guess I'll only date people who understand psychoanalysis. Ha!

This is starting to not make much sense, I need to go home make some dinner and come back to the office for a 7-9 o'clock meeting!

I'm getting internet and cable at the house tomorrow. joy.