Today has been all chaos and running around and..and..and.
the morning was so peaceful, I sat in the empty living room on the rug and read more of Blue Like Jazz, I actually even re-read a few paragraphs because what he was saying was so profound and correct.
AND THEY ARE MAKING A MOVIE. so excited.
Side note of how chaotic today has been.. while typing this in the office, I looked over at the setting sun and was thinking " how beautiful.. how peaceful..." oh shit that's my car getting a ticket! I came to the post office (the discount one.. you know the one only open until 4pm? mass. residents know what i'm talking about..) right after work because I needed to grab a package full of Medication, books (I'm starting on the Sacred Romance with Jamie also...my mom sent me " Discover your spiritual gifts.. we shall see) and more importantly some documents needed in order to transfer to the west coast.
So I illegally parked subee, RAN into the post office and then wondered over to the office... spacing that subee was parked next to the recycling center... which my car was full of cardboard boxes which needed to be used/recycled... and thankfully the officer was a recycling softie.
so no ticket.
Today I got a letter from the clinic in which I'm currently working in, which was odd, but it was this long letter saying how they wanted me to stay but if I didn't included was a reference letter..... It's so tempting to do the easy thing sometimes. To stay in the house I already live in, to not change address... but that feeling that I'm not at home I feel is just going to eat away at me.
I walk into my house doors and even though those are my books on the shelf, those are my pictures on the wall, and my kaladi brothers mug that lays dirtily in the sink..
this isn't my home.
I drive down long streets sometimes and just pray... until I come to the end and I start again, reviewing the conversation that God and I just shared.
I often find myself working over and over situations in my head which should have gone another way.. this way or that way.. why didn't I say this? It's like I try to reach into the past and whisper slightly in my ear " say...."
impossible mind you, but somehow it's comforting.
Like next time i'm in that exact situation I can do that differently. haha It's almost like I'm a coach watching old games and seeing where my team went wrong.
I also seem to pray about repression, to repress this desire or to bring up this desire or blah blah blah.
I think I need to direct my desires... instead of repressing some but rather make em work!
I'm a very visual person, despite being dyslexic, I need to see and hear something in order to fully comprehend it. I love diagrams and analogies (LOVE them!) but I also love to day-dream..its awful.. While on a long drive I sat in silence and just thought about something I wanted to happen and fully went with the story, the person next to me actually said " hello...cierra...are you dreaming?"
and boom. I was back. I also am a vivid actual dreamer, I write them all down, bring them to class... peer into my unconscious. The more into Lacan I am the more I'm scared...I know all of this extremely deep and person things about myself that make sense but also I wouldn't want anyone to know.
call me funny, some of the things I'm afraid to tell whom-ever I was dating.. like they would be scared away by my unconscious processes. We'll I guess I'll only date people who understand psychoanalysis. Ha!
This is starting to not make much sense, I need to go home make some dinner and come back to the office for a 7-9 o'clock meeting!
I'm getting internet and cable at the house tomorrow. joy.