Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Medical Missions, Music and good beer.

Today I went to the doctor..and found out that she is a christian and we talked about God and... man it felt good to connect with her.
I have always loved her, but we talked about how our campus is so extremely anti-God and how it's been really hard to "come out" of the closet at time but that this year was my year to shine his light.
We talked about my church and how she things it looks really rad..(which it is.!)

Basically It's been on my heart that I know someday I need to have my own medical missions (with others) to offer free psychological help, but team up with doctors and have a small clinic. i haven't decided if i was it to be only america.. I guess God will tell me that in due time..

Last night.. I found out about Cochella and the amazing line up.
and how my friend's band is playing and pretty darn sure getting some passes!!! for me and (possibly) three amazing friends.
Jamie and Black are down!
Yesterday was such an odd day, I had all of the phone interviews and my phone is now messed up... I had work (Which was amazing!!!) I got this amazingly heartfelt personal i cantbeleve she remembered I collected old keys... christmas gift from blybee (before she left to russia! :(..)
all the while the insane political race is going on and people are yelling and freaking out about Brown being ahead..
I find out about cohella during a committee meeting (which is going horrible and its mostly judicial..) because apparently due to the fact that we didn't approve funding (which we did..) ahh never mind its long and stupid.
and in that moment I just needed to get out of the room and dance for joy!

Which I did later and had a beer, sat down and told them the great news.

I barely slept last night, my blood was pumping,I was praying and getting excited about all sorts of things from the concert to school to moving...
I still have no idea what state and it very well might come down to money...

But this summer i won't know the answers until jan. (since i'm transferring at a weird time!)
I'll be skimming around the west coast and alaska.

now that excites me.

okay I'm not dressed and neeed to leave the house in 9...8..7....6...

Monday, January 18, 2010

I've had just about enough of quote diamonds in the rough..

I have not produced a paper in what feels like ages......
This is me taking a break from paper writing to write in my blog.

i missed staying up late, playing with my hair and seriously debating professors intellect based on how much they make write.. haha.

Life costs so much money, today I just HAD to renew my APA membership... because well since i'm submitting some papers to them to get reviewed it looks good if you are still a member.. which in 2 days I won't be.
My editor is pulling her hair out, saying that I won't be able to find someone like her in California, Washington or even O.R.... so we agreed she'd fix my papers from afar..
If you can't tell from my blogs, my dyzzzzlexia isn't going away like planned.
Having an editor who gets where I'm going and for a low cost... helps.
On another note, I'm going to be babysitting twice a week which always helps the income, my boss is expecting! yippy! and can't be as active with her little one.. so I will.

Okay, so I'll admit that I hated owl city and told everyone that I hated them.... well..
I figured out why I actually like them now.
besides it's lovey oozy goozy goodness BUT (yes this is the first time i've admitted to the public that i'm a sucker for romance... oh man.. esp. if he can playyyyy an acoustic guitar ..")
he talks about feeling at home... California, the west coast in general... and airplanes!
of course I'd love him.. (because these are things I love/like/places I want to be)

Time together isn't ever quite enough
When you and I are alone, I’ve never felt so at home
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
We need time, only time
When we're apart, whatever are you thinking of?
If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?
So tell me darling, do you wish we'd fall in love?
All the time, all the time
(How can you not love those lyrics?)
I also feel like i'm 15 when listening to Owl City.. and so I kinda have a limit of it, but I could also talk about this for ages....

I've also came to the conclusion to not date between the time of me leaving here and going to....california/washington/o.r.
or rather go on a date. IT SEEMS THE MINUTE I MADE THIS CHOICE THAT SUDDENLY PEOPLE COME KNOCKING ON MY DOOR.. not physically... but text-messagely. i've attributed this all to the new year and people believing that they need to tell someone their "true" feelings.(which I've always been a fan of.. and have made an ass of myself...even in the new year... i'm working on keeping my mouth shut..) . or whatever.
I was asked. and I realized there is no reason for me to get connected to a person that i'm leaving and besides that... I need to become more picky :)

After dating a good handful of people I've come to the realization of what I'm looking for and not looking for.
i'm feeling like getting back to work.. and the next blog will be all about dating since I read that amazing chapter... mostly because I started to think about how next week this needs to be ready to be submitted...

the topic;
Do children who suffer childhood sexual trauma have a higher occurrence of sexual promiscuity ? oh and yeah.. i defined promiscuity... which is harder then it seems.
and also I'm including sub-chapters concerning the effects of male vs. female sexual abusers.

and ithink I'm rooting for PEPPERDINEEEEEEEE!
Seattle pacific and....... California Luth.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

church, snow...and God is funny.

God really has some sort of sense of humor or just timing sometimes is too perfect.

I'm half awake half asleep
watching the snow fall on my car.
I cleaned out more things from my room.. found an old prayer that I wrote down.
very old.. I think I wrote it in Katie Alessi's bed one night after talking about love for 10 hours..
It was my letter to God about a Husband, what I wanted what i needed and what would be awesome if he could add it on..
that list hasn't changed.
He needs to be kind, loving, quite but talkative.. nerdish.. dependable, intellectual ect ect. I won't list them all.
MOST importantly Love God, Kids and dogs.

I figured I'd have more to add and I thought about it... it's still the same list.

I love watching snow fall it's so peaceful and reminds me of God.
the feeling of each flake gently touching (or not so gently in alaska.) my skin like little reminders of how awesome and amazing God is.
Today in church the quite guy was giving his first sermon. he stuttered and stumbled but his message was loud and clear to me.. I am the Child of God, I need to take on his yoke. something which I struggle with...the word Yoke... and here this scared guy, finally breaking it down in the clearest form I could imagine.
Yoke...Ox... it all started to fall into place.. After church I thanked him and introduced myself. Left, and wanted more...
Today I cleaned more, filled out papers, read the Blue like jazz and.... in his chapter about romance and dating, which I will quote later... he talks about my college I'm currently at.. and I couldn't stop laughing. i'll dive into this when I'm awake..

God has really shown me his humor today...


Did I mention for valentines day I'm going on a women's retreat? Who knew I'd spend the most romantic day with the best date of all?
God... I feel like i'm falling back in love with God all over again!

Ps. I think I'm going to join up with a group of new found friends in their home church! I think that would be a good transitional.. WAIT WAIT WAIT
YIPPY! skippy!

Did I mention my Advisor thinks I'm making a great move?
also.. i'm so so so tired in this moment..... but I've found my psychoanalytic soul mate!
we talked for hooourrs about Lacan...
This week is going to be a good week. I can feel it.

I listened to Mae today.. does anyone remember them?
I just wanna wake up in someone else's arms used to be one of my favorites... anyways. GOODNIGHT.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

so everyone knows how much I love working at the center...

So pretty soon I won't be working with my favorite little people anymore.
So I'm posting these pictures, even though i have a few on my phone. I will be volunteering here for the rest of the semester twice/once a week.. but it wont be the same as the internship/working.

Anyways, i just wanted to share my three fav. days.

Playing doctor with M. and alice.
alice and her award winning smile.. I honestly think she is an angel in training and I hope when I have a child that mine would be half as amazing.
and me s. and shayna, my little explorers.

Anyways, I should get back to work, my break is almost over.
I had something amazing to share with you guys, but of course I forgot.
It was something along the lines of... God works in funny ways.


Tuesday, January 12, 2010

So I'm sitting in the office..

Today has been all chaos and running around and..and..and.
the morning was so peaceful, I sat in the empty living room on the rug and read more of Blue Like Jazz, I actually even re-read a few paragraphs because what he was saying was so profound and correct.
Side note of how chaotic today has been.. while typing this in the office, I looked over at the setting sun and was thinking " how beautiful.. how peaceful..." oh shit that's my car getting a ticket! I came to the post office (the discount one.. you know the one only open until 4pm? mass. residents know what i'm talking about..) right after work because I needed to grab a package full of Medication, books (I'm starting on the Sacred Romance with Jamie also...my mom sent me " Discover your spiritual gifts.. we shall see) and more importantly some documents needed in order to transfer to the west coast.
So I illegally parked subee, RAN into the post office and then wondered over to the office... spacing that subee was parked next to the recycling center... which my car was full of cardboard boxes which needed to be used/recycled... and thankfully the officer was a recycling softie.
so no ticket.


Today I got a letter from the clinic in which I'm currently working in, which was odd, but it was this long letter saying how they wanted me to stay but if I didn't included was a reference letter..... It's so tempting to do the easy thing sometimes. To stay in the house I already live in, to not change address... but that feeling that I'm not at home I feel is just going to eat away at me.
I walk into my house doors and even though those are my books on the shelf, those are my pictures on the wall, and my kaladi brothers mug that lays dirtily in the sink..
this isn't my home.

I drive down long streets sometimes and just pray... until I come to the end and I start again, reviewing the conversation that God and I just shared.
I often find myself working over and over situations in my head which should have gone another way.. this way or that way.. why didn't I say this? It's like I try to reach into the past and whisper slightly in my ear " say...."
impossible mind you, but somehow it's comforting.
Like next time i'm in that exact situation I can do that differently. haha It's almost like I'm a coach watching old games and seeing where my team went wrong.

I also seem to pray about repression, to repress this desire or to bring up this desire or blah blah blah.
I think I need to direct my desires... instead of repressing some but rather make em work!

I'm a very visual person, despite being dyslexic, I need to see and hear something in order to fully comprehend it. I love diagrams and analogies (LOVE them!) but I also love to day-dream..its awful.. While on a long drive I sat in silence and just thought about something I wanted to happen and fully went with the story, the person next to me actually said " hello...cierra...are you dreaming?"

and boom. I was back. I also am a vivid actual dreamer, I write them all down, bring them to class... peer into my unconscious. The more into Lacan I am the more I'm scared...I know all of this extremely deep and person things about myself that make sense but also I wouldn't want anyone to know.
call me funny, some of the things I'm afraid to tell whom-ever I was dating.. like they would be scared away by my unconscious processes. We'll I guess I'll only date people who understand psychoanalysis. Ha!

This is starting to not make much sense, I need to go home make some dinner and come back to the office for a 7-9 o'clock meeting!

I'm getting internet and cable at the house tomorrow. joy.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

sunday bloody sunday.

Tomorrow is the start of the work week, full of hospital time and kiddos.
my passion.
It's funny to think about the weekend. I managed to drink some Champagne at dinner tonight, yet I'm still typing this. I believe it's because I can't stop reading blue like jazz.
It's a book in which I've been told to read for years and years....
While getting some belayed christmas gifts; which included the cutest frye booties, a surgical how to do book and scrubs... also blue like jazz.

it's amazing.
it's about deepening your relationship with God not religion. I'm only 50 pages in, but I'm relating already. The guilt that religion produces not the relation.

It's also funny how skimming the pages of the surgical pages reminded me of how I had the dream of being a doctor and how God told me no.
One of the goals I had in my life, has drastically changed. Instead of finishing my PH.D in a speedy time, instead of creating these goals and time lines. I'm now letting it go in his time.. and it's not as disappointing like I expected but rather reliving.

I'm going down to California for interviews/ (annd concert!.. i gotta have a little fun!) and we'll see if it's a good fit. (i've been to both seattle/OR)

I've stopped google'in the places and decided to just concentrate on my time here. Living in the moment. I can't believe i'm saying this.
I'm living my biggest worry and wonder with God. In his hands.... I'm stopping questioning and pondering it. It's driving me nutty!

If it's gonna work its gonna work in his timing. It's not that I think that I have any control over my life, but to quote blue like jazz..... that God isn't a slot machine.. I can't just pray when the tough is around... and hope he answers in my favor.
I have to turn it over, give it up, see what happens. Remain attentive and listening.
I'm not giving up on my question, I'm taking my place both as a Child of God but also as a Woman....

I need to get up at 6 am.

" I will give you this, my love, and I will not bargain or barter any longer. I will love you, as sure as He has loved me. I will discover what I can discover and though you remain a mystery, save God's own knowledge, what I disclose of you I will keep in the warmest chamber of my heart, the very chamber where God has stowed Himself in me. And I will do this to my death, and to death it may bring me.
I will love you like God, because of God, mighted by the power of God. I will stop expecting your love, demanding you love, trading for your love, gaming for your love. I will simply love. I am giving myself to you, and tomorrow I will do it again. I suppose the clock itself will wear thin its time before I am ended at this altar of dying and dying again.
God risked Himself on me. I will risk myself on you. And together, we will learn to love, and perhaps then, and only then, understand this gravity that drew Him, unto us." Donald Miller. (From blue like jazzzzzz)

Saturday, January 9, 2010

I realize how tiny I am Calfornia.

It's funny how looking at a map makes me feel so small.
so tiny
so itty bitty.

Today was a day of baking. building. packing. selling/some buying...

I enjoy baking, esp. when I'm trying to ignore the elephant in the room. I looked at all the grad schools i'm applying to and their locations in places such as Washington and California.
California looks so big, so huge. so.. MASSIVE. It's scares me slightly, I know my cousin James,( and sam.. but I haven't talked to him in years) that's all. Where Washington is safe. sound... I know my way around the whole city and I have amazing friends there.
Do I push it and try a new place with new people? A chance to start new?
It's kinda of exciting for me to think about. I'll be driving their and meeting with doug-o. Looking at the school of his dreams (for me anyways)

It gives me goose bumps, because I'll admit. I love an adventure! I love meeting new people.. but I also want to settle in, settle down.
I can apply and see where that takes me. One step at a time.
I'm so impatient. I want to know now now now now now!
Breathe, stop. hold in wait.. breathe now. When I look at that state I become overwhelmed with it's size. It's SOO big. It slightly reminds me of how I feel with God. I feel so tiny, like a little girl climbing into dad's lap. It's Big, vast and it holds a mysterious appeal...

I had an extremeLYYYYY long day, and I just want to curl up in front of the fire and fall asleep, while watching 30 rock.

Monday the real chaos starts.

Friday, January 8, 2010

I can't sleep so I'm doing this.

I really should be sound asleep.. since i'm getting up at 6 am.
I'm a sucker for a good estate sale... funny how i'm getting rid of crap, but camping gear is something i can't get enough of.
My drive across the states is going to consist of some real camping out of subee my outback baby.
(Yeah it's a subaru)

I've wanted to do this for awhile and I feel as if this going to make me fall asleep.
Listing some of my favorite songs, even the one's I'm ashamed of.

1. The unwinding Cable car by Anberlin. (Great show!) i was going through my old phone rings trying to delate some.. and I used to have this one for around a good year. I forgot how amazing of a song it is. Dismantle Repair also is good. ( I am the patron saint of lost causes)
2. Mike Mills by Air. I can't tell you how many times i've played that song on the top of a mountain.
3. Sometime around Midnight - The airborne toxic event. I saw these dudes at a thing for NPR... It was quite magical, because at the time that song was what i needed.
4. River by Akron/Family... That song has described so many relationships (both romantic and not) in my life.
5. Thank you by Alanis Morrisette. Thanks Kyleah for getting me into that song.. " how about getting off of these antibiotics? " okay. the whole thing is good.
6. Aaron and Maria by American Analog set- love is enough.
7. Dokkoise House by Anathallo. It was a marlboro song, the tough times.
8. Measuring Cups by andrew bird.
9. Okay, I'm a huge Animal Collective Fan... some freaking amazing shows... AHH! But Summertime Clothes, Brother sport and My Girls (which... makes me want to marry him....) and Grass. Sorry each animal collective album as played a certain role in my life.. it's soo hard to pick one song.
10. Favorite Dream by Annalisa.
11. No cars go/my heart is an apple by arcade fire.
12. I have to put one Architecture in Helsinki song.. just for the good-times we all had. Do the whirlwind
13. Birds of Dub by Architeq. Good dubstep track.
14. Walkabout (feat. Panda bear) by Atlas Sound
15. Moon river by audrey hepburn... I was a little girl once.
16. I can't believe this, but that song Boston.... my augastana. yeah.. helped my move to the east coast.. ashamed.
17. If you fall by azura ray... Man I fall in love with.. I'll sing this to you.
18. No one's gonna love you like I do by Band of horses.. tied with the funeral.
19. Wouldn't it be nice? Beach boys.
20. Wedding Bell by Beach house.
21. Two of us- the beatles.
22. Black Tambourine - Beck.. Okay he was amazing life at gorge.
23. Dress up in you by Belle and Sebastian. This is my and kyleah's song.. how i got my nick name Second Skin.
24. The luckiest by Ben folds.
25. When ben Gibby Covered Complicated by avril lavigne . I have recorded proof. best day of my life.
26.Halo by Beyonce. hate me... i know.
27. Dominos by The Big Pink.
28. F*cking Boyfriend by The Bird and the Bee. It's pretty accurate to how I've felt about relational situations. annnd.. she has a beautiful voice. I just don't have the nerve to ever ask a guy out.
29. parentheses by the blow. " when your holding me we make a pair of parentheses...i know i'll be safe in these arms..." I LOVE GRAMMAR HUMOR. It's so corny-cute!
30. North by Northwest by BlueScholars. I love political rap.. it's true. all about seattle and the "acute two-o-sixness.."
31. So i'm just putting "bob dylan" (Visions of johanna..tangled up in blue...blowin in the wind..)
32. Enamel by brave saint saturn. Yes.. perfect break up song.
and Estella for zac.." he fought to stay but always dreamed that he could leave this place.. the angels wings will cover you tonight Hallelujah press your head against the breast of Christ"
33. I had a real problem with Bright eyes, so a favorite song is impossible. Top are: Landlocked Blues, First day of my life (C'mon.. I'm a sucker for romance!), June on the west coast.. sunrise, sunset.
34. Sit Still by Brightwood. I wish someone would sing this to me.

I'm falling asleep at the keyboard. I'll come back to this.

west coast friendship.

So... I figured it was time to start blogging.
I write in a journal and that seems to be working out well, except for that fact that I keep misplacing it.
This can't get misplaced... well I should not test that out.

It's a new year, and I've made some pretty radical changes in my life. I shouldn't say that I made them... God also played a huge part.
I've been on the east coast for quite some time, I've had some pretty remarkable experiences and some no so remarkable ones. In the past few years I've graduated college, gone back to college. Found Lacan and all of his glory, I recommitted my life to God (Which I do every day..).. and in getting closer with him I realized what he has been yelling at me all along.
I'm not happy on the east coast, I did my time. I learned so many lessons along the way. I've broken my heart and learned the best lessons.
I also have made life long friends.
I'm moving back to the west coast!
Well.. i'm in the process of applying to some schools that start from California up to Washington State. If i get in to all of the schools... then..... I have a list. Nothing has felt so right, the moment the words came out of my mouth it was as if this huge heavy weight was lifted off my chest.
I'm scared and excited. I feel like a 12 year old. I'm scared, and I hate packing up and leaving..but something so stressful and painstakingly complicated as never felt so right.
“God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world”
- C.s Lewis.

So this blog is going to my my journey over the next few years to see where my Love life with God takes me. I love him, that he can put up with such a person like me. No request is too much, no burden is too heavy. I feel as if I've been shrinking God, putting him in the back of mind the back of the book... and only finding myself calling his name when shit is hitting the fan.
I'm moving out of my comfort relationship with God, i'm pushing the limits and seeing where I end up.
I'm digging deeper into his words and seeing where I go next, and reading some books about deepening a spiritual connection to him. It's as if I get a spiritual high from Church esp. worship. but I want that connection to extend beyond the four walls known as a church.
God gave me a wake up call over my Christmas break, and put a lot of things in perspectives.
I need to stop trying to be a control freak... I need to realize that I can trust him to take care of somethings. I can't be trying to fix things that are not mine to fix.

I need to be patient... AHHHHHHHHHHHHH. SO hard for me.
This week is me trying to figure out where I belong.... filling out phd. aps.... being in a wedding and helping plan...
school, work... and keeping sane.

Anyways, this is me.
I'm a focused, happy, psychology crazed student who loves God.music... the outdoors. her amazing friends.
books and finding...the place between you and me.

"This moment contains all moments.”