Sunday, January 10, 2010

sunday bloody sunday.

Tomorrow is the start of the work week, full of hospital time and kiddos.
my passion.
It's funny to think about the weekend. I managed to drink some Champagne at dinner tonight, yet I'm still typing this. I believe it's because I can't stop reading blue like jazz.
It's a book in which I've been told to read for years and years....
While getting some belayed christmas gifts; which included the cutest frye booties, a surgical how to do book and scrubs... also blue like jazz.

it's amazing.
it's about deepening your relationship with God not religion. I'm only 50 pages in, but I'm relating already. The guilt that religion produces not the relation.

It's also funny how skimming the pages of the surgical pages reminded me of how I had the dream of being a doctor and how God told me no.
One of the goals I had in my life, has drastically changed. Instead of finishing my PH.D in a speedy time, instead of creating these goals and time lines. I'm now letting it go in his time.. and it's not as disappointing like I expected but rather reliving.

I'm going down to California for interviews/ (annd concert!.. i gotta have a little fun!) and we'll see if it's a good fit. (i've been to both seattle/OR)

I've stopped google'in the places and decided to just concentrate on my time here. Living in the moment. I can't believe i'm saying this.
I'm living my biggest worry and wonder with God. In his hands.... I'm stopping questioning and pondering it. It's driving me nutty!

If it's gonna work its gonna work in his timing. It's not that I think that I have any control over my life, but to quote blue like jazz..... that God isn't a slot machine.. I can't just pray when the tough is around... and hope he answers in my favor.
I have to turn it over, give it up, see what happens. Remain attentive and listening.
I'm not giving up on my question, I'm taking my place both as a Child of God but also as a Woman....

I need to get up at 6 am.

" I will give you this, my love, and I will not bargain or barter any longer. I will love you, as sure as He has loved me. I will discover what I can discover and though you remain a mystery, save God's own knowledge, what I disclose of you I will keep in the warmest chamber of my heart, the very chamber where God has stowed Himself in me. And I will do this to my death, and to death it may bring me.
I will love you like God, because of God, mighted by the power of God. I will stop expecting your love, demanding you love, trading for your love, gaming for your love. I will simply love. I am giving myself to you, and tomorrow I will do it again. I suppose the clock itself will wear thin its time before I am ended at this altar of dying and dying again.
God risked Himself on me. I will risk myself on you. And together, we will learn to love, and perhaps then, and only then, understand this gravity that drew Him, unto us." Donald Miller. (From blue like jazzzzzz)

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